I was 19 and he was the first man I slept with. I got pregnant immediately and my parents made me marry him. I didn’t want to – I knew who he was by that time but in those days an unmarried pregnant woman was the talk of the town. My family was shocked and at a loss for words or actions when I first disclosed. My younger brother and paternal aunt advocated for me and I felt supported by them. A wedding was arranged and set up. His parents wrote a terrible letter to my parents – they never let me see it as it was awful – they took it to the Priest and he told them to get rid of it because it was so vile. He moved out of state and a few months later we were able to connect. We both met in Kansas City with my brother and his family and had a judge marry us. My daughter was born within a few months of our marriage. We were both miserable but had no outs. How we got him through dental school is nothing short of a miracle in itself. We were both hard working and had a goal. This is really painful – there is so much more. We lived in the ghetto and it was so frightening but it was all we could afford. Once he got into dental school we began making really neat friends but he blew them off for the ones who drank like he did and I became the enabler/ caretaker/ driver/responsible one. I wondered how faithful he was but was too afraid to address it. We did not have good communication skills. Italian Catholics don’t get divorced! Alanon and a great psychologist at the Casa helped me wake up and gather up any bit of courage to walk away and take 4 children. The money became very tight as he threatened it would. I even had a great lawyer who was supportive in helping me not stop the process as I wanted many times. I was so afraid, lonely, had no support, and financially in a bad space when he left. To leave a Scottsdale dentist and go it alone was insane back then. There were no support systems for single parents. I became more and more religious/spiritual between school, children, work, keeping the house up, etc. I began a deep passion to read the Bible – I found a Protestant bible study group and they were so kind and loving to me. I then found my prayer group and the spiritual awakening deepened.
When I tell my story people remark that I am “courageous” and I always feel amazed that it would be seen as such. When one lives their lives the only way they know how it doesn’t seem fitting to see it than anything other than what anyone would do.
I was a very young bride and mother. I met my future husband in College and found him to be soft spoken, handsome and having a clear direction for his life. I myself had a plan but no understanding of how to achieve it. I also knew deep inside that it was actually not what I really wanted but at that particular time women had few choices in careers.
I chose one that I “could be home with the children” as my mother would frequently tell me. Not only did I get these messages from home but I also got them from my religion. The media certain contributed as well. I never bought into it but did not know exactly how to edge myself out of this pigeon hole that I found women being forced in to.
I married young and had such mixed emotions, happiness along with deep sadness and fear. I knew we were not mature and really not as in love as we should have been but we were both caught up in the dance of play making. I gave up my education to promote his so that I could some day “stay at home with the kids.”
I had my first child within the first year of marriage. We were so ill equipped to parent but did our best. We both loved our daughter deeply and knew that she was a blessing to us. We just didn’t know the ins and outs of child rearing. There were no therapists, parenting classes, books, etc to help us out. Only what we both grew up in and that was certainly not the best of circumstances for either one of us. So we did what we knew at that time and made some mistakes and did some things right.
As the marriage progressed and more children were gifted to us we became more distant and actually in many ways less mature. The demands of life along with working so hard to get him through professional school began taking its toll. We had moved out of state and had minimal family support. His drinking became more and more a part of his life. I had stopped drinking because I knew someone needed to be present to the children. I also knew deep down that alcohol and being pregnant were not a good plan even though my doctor actually suggested I drink Scotch to alleviate the Braxton-Hicks labor pains!
As the years went on and his drinking and coming home late increased I became more angry and distant from everyone. I had no where to turn as he looked so successful and I was “just a housewife” as he would tell me.
I decided one day to take a class at a local community college “just for fun.” As the semesters continued my “just for fun” classes started adding up. I went to see a counselor on campus to sign up for more classes and he looked at my history and wondered aloud what I was doing with my life! He told me that I was bright and needed to get focused on my career. I was shocked and felt such fear. I had been hiding behind my husband’s profession and actually did much to build it! Now I would have to look at myself and be responsible for my own life.
I decided to take one class at the local University. My husband was quite upset as I did not tell him that I had already paid the money, bought the books and lined up sitters. He was livid.. He believed that my “place was at home” and that he was “the bread winner.” I told him that I would drop the class if he would sign a legal paper promising to never die before me, divorce me nor get sick and stop being the bread winner. He of course backed down but made it so difficult for me to study. He would intentionally get me upset right before a final for demand that I stop studying and go grocery shopping as he felt that I was being neglectful of the house hold duties! I knew he was afraid I would leave him and I truly had no intention of this.
He had been abusive in many ways during the marriage but at that time no one was talking and he looked like a good man with a promising future. In many ways he was and still is a good man. He just had a lot of anger from his childhood and tossed in his slavery to alcohol. Yes, I am no longer making him the meanest man on this earth as I once did. I have healed and I see things differently today.
I knew that I should not stay in the marriage but by then I had 4 children and no degree and was well aware that I could not support a family. He made it clear that he would not make it financially easy for me to leave him and I believed him.
I rafted the Grand Canyon one summer and out of that experience I realized that life was short and that I did not want to grow old being so torn down nor expose my children any longer to an unhappy home life. A friend went with me to file for divorce and I was so panicked that I could barely talk. After I filed she told me what people would say about my leaving a successful professional man and going it alone. She made a joke of it but I got the message and was she ever right!
During the long and hard process of divorce I was blessed with friends who believed in me and were open to my phone calls at all hours of the night and day! I decided to go on with my education and before I knew it I had a Master’s degree and walked into my first job. My daughter had already left for college and I had 3 little sons at home. The 3 boys and I would spend many hours in the library at the university. They also attended a few classes with me as I could not always get sitters. I’m grateful for those in my class who never said anything about them attending although it wasn’t often, for some it would have been once too many! They became familiar with university libraries, quiet studying and staying the course. In all of this I somehow found time to teach their religious education classes, attend their school activities, bake cookies for their classroom– you could do that in those days – and even was assistant coach for a soccer team. I also weaved in occasional part-time positions working in doctor’s offices to make some extra money.
In all of this I found a prayer group and we are still to this day gathering together! I certainly do not recommend this life to anyone and wonder sometimes how it all happened. For me I knew it was the grace of God, my willingness to walk through whatever I needed to in order to bring peace in my life and my children’s lives. I know I made many mistakes along the way but I also know that I did many things right.. I graduated with honors and my graduation was enjoyed with many mixed tears. I still cannot clearly see myself as courageous but I do see myself as driven to live a life of peace and bring peace to others as much as I humanly can. I want to be a light of encouragement for others. I know not everyone could or certainly should do what I have done but I want every woman and man struggling to live a good life to know that they can succeed and that it’s up to them to define success. I do not have anger anymore for my former husband. He was limited and did not have skills to appreciate what he had before him nor did I have skills to speak up for myself early on with firmness and a deep belief in myself. I am a better person for all of this. My children have some scars but the goodness in all of them and their sweetness override anything that has hurt them in the past. They have a great way of loving both their mother and their father and do not take sides. I know they are proud of what I have become and we are closer than we would ever have been had I stayed and continued to pretend all was well.
Maybe some day I will accept that I was courageous but that most likely would be on my death bed as I look back. Right now life continues to bring challenges and I face them all one day at a time with God in front of me. I know the world is deeply suffering right now and I pray that in some way my words will bring hope and encouragement to anyone reading it.
Elizabeth Marietti
"[Generations of grandparents] prayed for the great-great-great-great-great grandchildren they would never see, but knew were coming. They prayed for us to be praying people, to continue the prayer, and to recognize through a prayer when you are blessed. The way I have been taught in walking this road is to always take time to acknowledge our ancestors, those who were here before us and were the ones who made the prayers that made it possible for to be here. In order for me to be able to stand or kneel on Mother Earth, to make a prayer, it's because of them."
Grandmother Mona Polacca believes that her origins are as important as her name, Polacca, which means butterfly in the Hopi language. On her father's side, she a Hopi-Tewa from the Sun and the Tobacco Clans. It was her paternal grandfather who named her. In Hopi lore, the Butterfly symbolizes man's spiritual transformation.
Grandmother Mona learned her Indian ways from her paternal grandmother who lived to be 102. She often prayed and talked to Mona about being a good person. "'Be kind. Be nice to one another. Love your brothers and sisters; they are all you have.' She'd say, 'In Indian way, this is the way to be, this is the way to do things.'"
On her mother's side, Grandmother Mona is Havasupai, the people of the Blue Green water, from the Grand Canyon area in Arizona. Grandmother Mona's maternal grandfather and great-grandfather were the last chiefs of the Havasupai Nation. She believe their prayers helped make a way for her in this world.
Although her maternal grandmother passed away before she was born, Grandmother Mona keeps her photo by the door. "I tell her I am going to be away from here for awhile, look after things home for me. When I come back into my home, I receive the welcome of my grandmother looking at me. Though I've never met her, I have this connection with her."
Grandmother Mona lives her life according to her mother's teachings and takes great care with her speech and actions. "You are not here just for yourself," Grandmother Mona's mother taught her. "Wherever you go, you are a representative of our family ... our tribe, our people." Today, when Mona travels, she always returns with a small gift for her mom -- a shell, stone, or something simple.
For almost 30 years, Grandmother Mona Polacca has worked in the field of alcoholism and substance abuse. In the 1970s, she was given the job to develop substance-abuse programs for tribal youth. She organized inside her culture with youth programs led by elders who shared traditions and life stories. Kids learned traditional songs and games which gave them a greater sense of identity, purpose, and direction.
One evening, a Mohave elder stood up and offered his prayer beside the sacred fire. "You know, there is something really special about this. Nonnatives so often build a huge bonfire, so big that everyone has to stand back. Natives build a small fire, so that everyone has to come close." Grandmother Mona says this is the way Indian people work -- close around the fire so people hear each other and share the warmth.
Soon the young people became involved in running the conferences. "The youth learn these ways are accessible, not meant to be just seen under glass in a museum where you can only stand and look," Grandmother Mona says. "Their hands can hold the traditional ways. It's not just our history, but an essential part of our life today."
Grandmother Mona has helped with several important studies about addictive behavior. One study reveals that the most important way for Native women to overcome substance abuse is the threat of taking away their children. Another study proves that Native youth respond positively to programs with cultural components like sweat lodges, singing, and drumming. Even those living far from their reservations can maintain sobriety through a close connection with the ceremonies.
Today Grandmother Mona lives in Arizona and has a son, two daughters, and seven grandchildren. She is now working on her Ph.D at the Interdisciplinary Justice Studies Department of Arizona State University. When Grandmother Mona first addressed the Grandmothers Council, she embraced them as "beautiful relatives of the world." She then explained that the Hopi way of greeting those from other nations is to reach out an open hand to show one has come in peace. She also paid honor to Grandfather, represented by the fire lit from the original flame of peace.
"There was once a time as indigenous people when we didn't have any maps or road signs, yet we were able to make our way. We were able to journey," Grandmother Mona explained. "We had the sacred fire so that when there was a moment when we felt we lost our sense of direction, when we were lost and disoriented, not knowing which direction to go, we would sit down before this Grandpa Fire. In poor health physically, mentally, spiritually, we would sit down before Grandpa Fire and say our prayers. In that way we would be shown the direction we needed to go, the things we needed to do. We would be given the signs through Grandfather Fire. Our hearts would be filled with warmth love, and compassion. That's the way this Grandfather Fire is. Always respect it, always look to it, let it be there to help you."
GRANDMOTHER MONA POLACCA
HOPI -TEWA/ HAVASUPAI
USA, NORTH AMERICA
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